I don’t believe it!

Due to popular demand (one person – me!) I thought I would return to Blogging. I’m going to have a go at raising a bit of interest about things that generally irritate me on a weekly basis. I encourage comments so please contribute. This will be a mildly amusing Blog (I hope) where like-minded people can have a general whinge about topics that have ‘got up my nose’ that week. It may even be topics that have surprised me or some form of human endeavour that has impressed.

Anyway – stand by for something later this week and let’s see how big we can make it!

John’s final post is below this one. If you have enjoyed John’s blog over the past months (and particularly the last month), you can take this opportunity to leave a message of appreciation or congratulations.

Our hope is that every reader will leave a short message of support by clicking on the “Comments” link at the end of John’s last post.

Many thanks

Dave (Editor).

First I must apologise to anyone who might have found my talk about bodily functions offensive. I think in the confines of the huts they assumed a disproportionate importance. 

I did think about writing a brief piece on each member of the team but on reflection I could not do them justice. Scottie asked us all last night to say  what we set out to achieve and did we think we had achieved it. We all had of course but there are three things, in general, that I would like to share with you: 

1. I mentioned in one of my blogs weeks ago that this was going to be like Big Brother on Ice. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The reason we got through this challenge – and it was a challenge – was good, old fashioned teamwork and the ability to laugh with each other. Nobody ‘threw the toys out of the cot’. Everybody just mucked in without being asked.
2. We all sampled in a tiny, tiny, miniscule, microscopic way some of what Scott went through – without the benefit of Sorrel boots, arctic suits, and warm huts etc.
3. As Bob so aptly put it every now and then we get the opportunity to look in the mirror to check that the person staring back at you is the person you would like it to be. We’ve had that opportunity this week.

On a more amusing note a number of us had a Hot Tub yesterday when we got back. Sitting in hot water with our hair frozen stiff, drinking beer and having a laugh was a special moment. And yes – we all had a roll in the snow and yes – it was a bloody stupid thing to do because that really was cold. Scottie, God bless his cotton socks, slipped over in the shower and is finding hard to walk this morning. Had he beer taken? What do you think?!! Doc Mark was telling us about his Obsessive Compulsive Trait over tidiness last night; we all immediately agreed that our Angie had an Obsessive Disorder Disorder!

We are arranging to have a selection of our best photos put up on a website please feel free to browse we will send you the link or put it on all our individual websites.

So it just leaves me to say a BIG thank you to all our sponsors and supporters. If you are reading this and are not a sponsor then write a cheque now for the whole team and send it to Cathy at SPRI. Personally I would like to thank all my many sponsors because together we have raised well over £7,000. Also a very special thank you to my darling wife for all her support over the last six months in putting up with my obsession but I’ve had a chance to look in the mirror now and I really appreciate that.

I know I’ve been banging on about how cold the weather is and it doesn’t take the brains of an Archbishop to work out that it will be cold in the Arctic. However, today was a bit special. We always know exactly what the temp is as Colin has a mini weather station which measures everything, including wind chill. This morning it was -21C with 15C wind-chill making a total of -36C. Now I don’t care what you say that definitely is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

I’ve been very discrete about our snorers thus far but Scottie has had a lot of slack thus far but last night just took the biscuit. Now to give him his due he is self confessed and made it clear from the start that he snores. He’s also a real Gent as he let’s everyone get to sleep first before he let’s himself go to sleep, after that it’s every man for himself. Well, last night Scottie was on the beer (whisky had gone you remember) and I was on the top bunk above; this became akin to being on one of the white-knuckle rides at Chessington complete with smellorama. Scottie’s snore is like he’s sucking the dregs of a milkshake from the bottom of the container except that every now and again he lets one go like a thunderclap, which you can hear echoing around the hills and even the dull rumble of avalanches in the far distance. We also have a gurgler and a tree saw; they were all at it last night complete with a symphony of wheezing and farting that created a chemical hazard to make your eyes water.

Whilst I’m at it I had better deal with the loos. I was concerned before I left about not being regular, but if regular then that regularity being timed at midday mid-journey. I need not have worried as I’ve been spot on every morning. Loos are long drop. A clever and thoughtful invention by the Norwegians are the polystyrene loo seats. They keep your bottom warm, or at least heat up quickly. I had a bit of a shock this morning mid contemplation (and I had chosen the locking loo) when the door was yanked open, dislodging the lock and there I was confronted by a Norwegian lady on a similar mission. I don’t know who was more surprised. Again nothing much to see but it might have been the rumours of an Arctic Flasher that prompted the intrusion!

What a day. Some 60km of contrasts. A start on the high ground with the biting wind and spindrift creating blizzard conditions. We had the wind to our backs for most of the time but when turned NW it was on our beam. All the dogs were leaning into it and the sledge was blown off track as well. We had two hours fighting through that and then we dropped down into a re-entrant that eventually turned into a riverbed. At the end of frozen river was a small village and from there we travelled for another two hours downhill and through close woods down a very narrow track until eventually we came out at Gargia.

I got three replacement dogs today. Two I didn’t have time to get to know but the third!!! Name of Tractor and whereas my old dogs had onboard computers Tractor had nothing but air between his ears and one switch marked ‘Pull’. He was crossbred Pointer / Husky with a bit of Viking thrown in for good measure. He did nothing all day except pull and if he wasn’t pulling he was barking and trying to pull. At one stage he pulled me standing on the brake and the anchor. If ever I’ve met a dog in need of an ASBO this was the boy. An absolute bloody hooligan.

Spills today: Angie three times, Elizabeth in the wind!, Scottie as usual.

Today was the last day of sledding so we’re all back at base. Tomorrow will be my last Blog save minor admin stuff. I will reflect on the week but more importantly on the people.

[Ed: I knew they were cheating... look, not a dog in sight!]

We woke up this morning to the dogs howling and a fresh fall of snow. Today Bob had a flat in his offside rear; David went off on his own; the Doc drove into a tree; and I lose my three best dogs!

Positively balmy today at -10C. (Dave I’ve heard about your replacement Blog last night!!).

If you look on my website you will see a link to a webcam at Jotka (click here) which is stuck on 23 Oct but you can see the hut where the boys slept last night (the girls had hot water and a degree of comfort) and the river which was the start of our route today. In fact it’s not Joatka it’s actually Mollesjohtka – we are at Joatka tonight. Our route took us down the river from the hut last night, down to the biggest lake in Finnmark (Iesjavri), and then across to another smaller lake near Joatka itself. So about 50km on the flat with a few minor hills.

Having been the Rear Gunner for the last three days I started off in pole position one behind Per Thore (actually pronounced Tora not Tory). A totally different perspective for Imogen and I (we were always nos 11 and 12. We were doing fine until Scottie was sent forward to sit in pole. Now Scottie told us last night that he was the square root of what he is now and that it’s been wild women and beer that has left him needing 5 dogs on his sledge. I’m sitting in his shadow at the moment and he knows what I’m writing. It was not long until Helen appeared as well, as her dogs were playing up (again); they perform better behind Per Thore.

Having now ended up mid field I thought it best to drop back a bit as I wanted to see what my dogs were capable of. The best place to be is in front of a slow sledge to build up a gap. These dogs love to run and we were off like a rocket. We cruised past three sledges and only stopped when we got near the front again.

We were overtaken today by some skidoos one of which was obviously attractive to David’s dogs as they decided to follow it; this was an interesting moment for him as not only was he in deep snow but didn’t know how to steer the dogs. Per Thore just yells ‘left’ or ‘right’ in Norwegian and they turn. We all left him to his own devices thinking that it would be ideal opportunity for him to bond with his dogs.

We all think that the Doc’s been sampling too many of his own drugs as not only did he take off today parked next to a tree just before a sharp left hand turn (the dogs don’t have a GCSE in geometry and of course they take a tight turn around the tree, which left the Doc hanging in the tree like a Christmas decoration) but he also believed Ceri when he told him it was his turn to count the dogs at 3.30am.

Bob had a real problem with his offside rear dog today – it kept looking back; he was just in front of me. It was only when Imogen said that I should overtake him and that it was probably my bitch on heat that was causing the problem; and so it was, as his Wheel Dogs went like the clappers thereafter.

There’s a Husky puppy in Joatka, which all the girls are cooing over; Elizabeth doesn’t realise but he’s her team tomorrow.

I lose all my dogs except the one on heat; they all live in Joatka and have to stay here. I’m being issued with Ceri’s spares. It’s 60km tomorrow and all downhill so it won’t much matter that he only has five. I will miss mine and their speed.

DISASTER! We’ve drunk all the whisky! Luckily Bob took a degree in Psychotherapy before he came out (just in case) so we’ve been able to get Angie into rehab.

We’ve had an email asking how on earth do we manage to get a blog up every day when the subject of the blog is literally miles away from the nearest Internet cafe. Well, the answer is ‘technology’, and lots of it.

John is accompanied by a team of experts, comprising of two IT technicians, a trained journalist, manicurist, and professional drinks mixer. Through their hard work and diligence, a blog is written and delivered into cyber-space on a daily basis. The cost of the dedicated Russian satellite is off-set through wacky promotional stunts and subliminal advertising.

You don’t need to worry about this not being a genuine experience for John – his support team move ahead by helicopter each day and build a small tent city with ’spa and bar’ facilities, but John still sledges his way from point to point. Admittedly, he is accompanied by the journalist who records everything, and sometimes helps to pull the sledge up-hill so that John doesn’t have to walk, but he’s still out there freezing his bits off on that sledge.

John would have you believe that he lies huddled in the darkness at the end of each gruelling day typing an amusing report on the days events into his Blackberry (TM), which he then emails to his trusty IT Manager back home, who then spends precious minutes correcting all the spelling and grammar mistakes and adding the funny bits before posting on-line in a seamless display of efficiency, but I know John so I know which story is more likely.

Incidentally, you can’t send photos with a Blackberry (TM), so all those who have asked for pictures will unfortunately need to wait until either John gets back, or his camera is recovered from the belly of a polar bear.

[Ed's note: Turns out there's a blog from John anyway, but I'm still leaving mine up! Also, I think the title is supposed to read "A day off, pissed"]

A long hard slog, clear blue skies, a few spills, and our first reindeer.

Before I start I have to mention Bob’s stores. Through meticulous planning Bob has equipped himself with two of everything for which the group is extremely grateful – if someone’s forgotten something Bob will have a spare but this may well become a recurring theme over the next few days. For instance, Bob’s First Aid Kit is on the cutting edge of science; he’s got medicaments that even Mark the Doc hasn’t heard of! We’re hoping that we might be able to try our hand at some amateur orthopaedic surgery and replace one Angie’s livers (judging by her consumption of whiskey last night).

Our entire day was spent in powder snow. Per Thore, our guide, (pronounced Per Tory) was blazing trails. Helen had a difficult first hour – her dogs were playing up – in the end Ceri gave her his sledge with seven dogs on which she sailed past the entire group like Lady Muck and ended up at the front with Per Thore when her own dogs were returned to her. Things improved there on in, especially when they got a whiff of the reindeer!

Following a long hard climb at the start of the day we arrived on a plateau, which was a bit like an extended version of the South Downs with snow. The views were spectacular especially when we breasted a rise and there before us was an enormous herd of reindeer. They were about a mile away on the opposite ridge and stretched for about three miles; we had to press on for an extra half hour so we could have our lunch in a reindeer-free zone.

I’ve now discovered why my shoulders are aching. The weight training did not prepare me for hanging on to sledge walking/running behind in the deep snow being dragged uphill; there was a lot of that today.

A few doggy facts. It amused the group immensely when on Day 1 I went to the loo and the bloody dogs tore out the anchor and took off. It was an athletic manoeuvre of some considerable skill (close to a backward somersault) that allowed me to latch onto the sledge; albeit with my willy hanging out not that there was that much to see. Well – it happened again today. I’m certain my team just wait for me to start. So any rumours about an Arctic Flasher are not true. Dogs all want go to the loo after breakfast so we have to stop and wait for them to go on the trail, which results in a lot of stopping and starting

Imogen and I have to keep our sledges quite far apart (we follow each other in line) as her team turn round and socialise with mine, which results in a major dog tangle. Alpha, my nearside front bitch, came on heat today; this makes my sledge very attractive to all the dogs but it’s given my Wheel Dogs a real incentive.

Other unrelated facts today. My eyebrows got frozen to my balaclava; Scottie mistook Bob for Elizabeth (Elizabeth is tiny and only needs two arctic Gerbils and a cat to pull her sledge) – we think we might be able laser Scotties eyes from resources inside Bob’s First Aid Kit; George, Scottie, Elizabeth and Imogen all fell off today; we clocked up 50km.

We are lodged at Jotka in some degree of comfort (including the dogs who have straw). To answer Mathew’s question: people do smell less in the cold until they get into the warm!! We have another long flog tomorrow and I must go as I have 67 dogs to feed (well me and five others). A quick 5 min shower tonight!!

[Ed's Note: There is no blog for today. This was anticipated, and is due to a lack of mobile phone coverage at John's current location (at the bottom of a ravine, possibly). If he manages to get something through, it will of course be posted. So that you're not too bored, I've anticipated what the blog might have said]:

 Got up at the crack of dawn. It was freezing cold. Had some breakfast. It was cold. Pulled on my boots, which were cold. Went out and fed the dogs (cold food), and one of them in an overly-friendly manner stuck his nose in my face. It was cold.

Wearily climbed aboard my sledge and was dragged across the snow for several hours by my dogs. The cold wind mixed with the snow off the runners, and hit me in the face. It was quite cold. I fell off three times, an experience I can only describe as pretty cold.

Sick to death of snow which, whilst soft to fall in, is cold. Can’t feel my toes, which is a blessed relief because I can feel my ears and they’re cold.

Just been to the bathroom in my suit, and that, at least, was warm.

Hoping you’re all going to buy my book when I get back, which will be about how I went to a really cold place, was dragged across cold snow, in a cold wind, by some dogs. I was cold the whole time because it was always so cold, and I think I caught a cold. I wore a big coat and some thick gloves, but was still cold. It was cold.

I haven’t thought of a name yet.

John thought he’d be out of mobile range today, so we’re hoping he’ll be back tomorrow. The last news I had was that he’s tanning nicely, and sick of the taste of margaritas, but it’s a  bit chilly.

[Ed's Note: The number of spelling mistakes and bad grammar is increasing as the week progresses (and it's only day 2!!). I suspect Friday's post may be illegible...]
 

After a night sharing a room with two Olympic snorers I woke to feel aches in muscles I had no idea existed; especially those on the inside of the thighs. Aches come from scooting to help the dogs through deep snow and up hills.

I was Sous Chef at breakfast this morning and Angie was in charge. We had porridge and jam sandwiches with coffee or tea.

‘Respect’ for my team, I’ve got BMWs and Aston Martins!. After a brief team talk for the boys and girls I hitched them up two at a time; the girls were easy to handle but the boys, apart from the occasional stop for a shag on the way down the line, they deposited me (plus a considerable amount of snow) on the road by the sledge. Tricky start this morning with a 90 degree turn first off, which scuppered Carol who flew round without breaking and came off mid flight. I had to stand on the break and insert the anchor to stop my team pulling away. A good sleep and breakfast of reindeer meat (sets them up for sledding at Mach 2). We shot off like a bullet out of a gun, round the corner on one runner and away. Boy – they go like the clappers – when you stop the boys are continually pulling – you’re supposed t help start off by not standing on the runners but they pull your arms out of their sockets unless I do. When everybody is scooting uphill I’m braking! I have to leave large gaps in front of me so that they can have a good run as we soon catch up the sled in front and I get the stare from them all.

The scenery is breathtaking. At -20C all the bushes are frosted with snow and today we had a blue sky and a view for miles; the silence is deafening. All the sledgers are covered in frost eyebrows, eyelashes, beards, stray hair (and that’s just the girls). We are lodged overlooking a lake in a picturesque lodge, the only draw back is that there’s no electric and no water. So we’ve drilled through two feet of ice for water and carried it up to the lodge in buckets. We are now sat round the fire drinking whiskey and having a laugh. 

Highlights today – Bob wrapping himself round a tree – very funny; a trip down the road through Masi standing on the break to stop run-aways; the journey through powder snow in the silence of the hills; everybody getting on well and having a laugh at the end of a testing day.

Weather tomorrow – cold -20c so no surprises!